{"id":1850,"date":"2012-03-20T06:23:31","date_gmt":"2012-03-20T12:23:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/?p=1850"},"modified":"2012-03-20T07:02:28","modified_gmt":"2012-03-20T13:02:28","slug":"the-blog-i-shouldnt-have-read","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/2012\/03\/20\/the-blog-i-shouldnt-have-read\/","title":{"rendered":"the blog I shouldn&#8217;t have read"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I listened to this song as I wrote, so if you want, you can listen and read.<br \/>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"420\" height=\"315\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/JqUDeBPTouU\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Monday morning was great.  I had a work-related meeting which went well.  Then I went shopping in Nakano again and got some anime goodies that I&#8217;d passed up before, but decided to go back for.  I got them a dollar cheaper than I&#8217;d expected.<br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/anime-folders.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/anime-folders.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"anime folders\" width=\"387\" height=\"518\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-1851\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>I was happy.  Very happy.  My knee is healing.  So happy.  I went home because the gym was closed, but no pressure to train at the moment.  No fight on the horizon.<\/p>\n<p>Then I got home and read Koizumi&#8217;s blog.  He&#8217;s Hashi&#8217;s trainer.  I thought he&#8217;d post pictures of Shu&#8217;s wedding.  I happened upon a blog he did of when I fought Hashi.  In addition to all his gushing about her awesomeness and accolades, I happened to read, &#8220;She won so I can write this.  She really did well despite her broken finger!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The room suddenly went very quiet for me.  It was like a knife stabbed me in the heart.<\/p>\n<p>You see, one of the reasons I&#8217;ve been able to accept this loss to my long-time rival was because, well&#8230;  well&#8230;.It&#8217;s really hard to write this. \ud83d\ude41  &#8230;..<\/p>\n<p>I also read this in &#8220;A Fighter&#8217;s Heart,&#8221; that sports psychology book by Sam Sheridan.  Fighters need reasons, need excuses, so they can pull themselves back together and keep going.  If we think, &#8220;I suck and I fail&#8221; then that&#8217;s the end of us.  If they think, &#8220;Well, I didn&#8217;t feel so good, so I&#8217;ll try again next time,&#8221; or &#8220;If I improve my striking\/grappling whatever, next time I can do it&#8221; or &#8220;Well I was hurt, so that&#8217;s why&#8221;  or whatever, then they can move on.<a href=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/shaking-hands-2.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/shaking-hands-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"shaking hands 2\" width=\"354\" height=\"311\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-1865\" \/><\/a><br \/>\n(pic by Keiji Koizumi)<\/p>\n<p>I accept all responsibility for my loss and taking the fight. I thought I did the best I could.  My knee was hurting me before I taped it up, but during the actual fight it was OKAY at the moment.  I regret not pushing it harder.  I had vowed that even if I had to be carried out of the ring, I would push it. So why didn&#8217;t I push it and why wasn&#8217;t I carried out of the ring?  Some weakness in my heart?  Deep in my heart I thought that maybe if I could have prepared better, I might have won.  But you know, fighters have fought injured.  They&#8217;ve overcome.  *I* was supposed to be the one who overcame.<\/p>\n<p>But she beat me with a freaking broken finger.<br \/>\nKudos to her.  She&#8217;s really tough.<\/p>\n<p>But where does that leave me&#8230;&#8230;<br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/action-figures-and-roxy.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/action-figures-and-roxy.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"action figures and roxy\" width=\"603\" height=\"423\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-1852\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>ALL FIGHTERS fight injured. You guys have no idea.  People ask me all the time if I get injured in fights.  In fights?  HAH, never.  I ALWAYS get hurt in training, at least once a month.  I pray every day that it&#8217;s nothing serious.  People don&#8217;t talk about it.  I talk about everything. Maybe that&#8217;s bad, as a professional&#8230;. How would that make HER Feel? How do I appear to the fans? And my fellow- fighters?<\/p>\n<p>Last night I cried the tears I hadn&#8217;t cried right after my fight.<br \/>\nAnd I thought and thought and thought so hard that I couldn&#8217;t fall asleep for another two hours.<\/p>\n<p>Where does that leave me.  Where does that leave me.<\/p>\n<p>I spoke out-loud to myself and told myself.  &#8220;That leaves me with SMART goals written on post-it notes stuck to my microwave.  That leaves me with challenges yet to over come.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/post-it-notes.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/post-it-notes.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"post it notes\" width=\"480\" height=\"547\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-1853\" \/><\/a><br \/>\n<b><br \/>\nI work at my job in order to survive.  I do MMA in order to live. <\/b> And I&#8217;m still alive. Let&#8217;s see how far I can push myself. I&#8217;m 29 years old.  I&#8217;m not done yet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I listened to this song as I wrote, so if you want, you can listen and read. Monday morning was great. I had a work-related meeting which went well. Then I went shopping in Nakano again and got some anime goodies that I&#8217;d passed up before, but decided to go back for. I got them&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-1","description-off"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1850","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1850"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1850\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1850"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1850"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/roxannemodafferi.net\/RBlog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1850"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}