I was waiting in line in the grocery store. A woman in front of me passed by a mirror near the cash register and looked at herself.
I’m not going to look at myself when I pass. I don’t need to. I don’t care if I’m beautiful or not. People think I’m thin, but actually, I’m over my fight weight now. I should lose weight. No, wait, I’m not over-weight. I know I’m not fat. Oh, there’s my shoulder and arm muscle…so small. So inadequate!! I’m so weak. How did fighters like Sarah McMann get so big and strong? They worked hard. But I’m working hard and I don’t look like that. Lifting? I lift some. Why not more? I’m too hurt, or sore or exhausted to lift and do so much conditioning. Why? I should be doing stairs every day. What’s wrong with me? I work. I’m injured. Always injured. Always something. No guidance. No support. No, wait, now I have guidance. I have support.
I love Groundslam. Today I sparred Tsuchi-san. He kicked me in the face. I like sparring him because he respects me enough to try and hit me. But he’s so much bigger and stronger. I really have no chance. My black eye. Tokoro-san got me. At first I was proud, but now I’m embarrassed. I should have blocked it. I wonder how he feels. I’m sorry if he feels bad for hitting a woman. I’m sorry I’m just taking up space…I can’t provide a challenge for my male sparring partners. I hope they don’t resent me being there. Some girl. Get out, right? Wicky doesn’t. Wicky invites me to spar. “Roxanne, let’s go!” he says. Maybe he just likes crushing me. He laughs when he’s pinning me with his knee and doing GnP. I like Wicky. He’s a little out there sometimes.
Omigawa-san put his hand on my shoulder and nodded at me. He’s always nuts. He likes flirting with women and taking suggestive pics, but I think he has no idea how to with me. So he just stares into my eyes. “I’m so tired, Roxanne!” he said today. “You worked hard, today,” I replied. He just nodded. I like Omigawa-san, even if is scary and looks like Vegeta.
I wanted to spar more, but my back hurt. Will I ever fight again? Can I ever get into good enough shape? Many of the women I want to fight are in great camps where their jobs are running the gym or training, and they’re around fighting all day. I can’t do that….everyone tells me I should move back to the States. Then I could be a fighter 100%. But I don’t WANT to move back to the States! I’m psyched I got my visa so I could keep working my day job to support myself and pay bills. I’m smaller than my previous opponents now. Why can’t I bulk up? I want to go back to 135 but I can’t. I ate a lot and just gained fat. My previous personal trainer with the fat-measuring scale said so.
Deepak Chopra said that “*I* decides what’s real about oneself. The whole thing is a feedback loop. Once *I* decides something about oneself, everything in the outside world must conform to that decision.”
I always try and be positive. I see the world positively, albeit naively. I like it that way. It’s a happy world through the eyes of a child. Simple things make children happy. I want to keep my child-like heart.
Shopping was done. Walking down the path through the Lazona Plaza.
There’s a grate. Oh, it’s lighted. But how strange. I can only see the light from underneath the grate if I’m right next to it. I can’t see what’s in front, or what’s behind…