the blog I shouldn’t have read

I listened to this song as I wrote, so if you want, you can listen and read.

Monday morning was great. I had a work-related meeting which went well. Then I went shopping in Nakano again and got some anime goodies that I’d passed up before, but decided to go back for. I got them a dollar cheaper than I’d expected.

I was happy. Very happy. My knee is healing. So happy. I went home because the gym was closed, but no pressure to train at the moment. No fight on the horizon.

Then I got home and read Koizumi’s blog. He’s Hashi’s trainer. I thought he’d post pictures of Shu’s wedding. I happened upon a blog he did of when I fought Hashi. In addition to all his gushing about her awesomeness and accolades, I happened to read, “She won so I can write this. She really did well despite her broken finger!”

The room suddenly went very quiet for me. It was like a knife stabbed me in the heart.

You see, one of the reasons I’ve been able to accept this loss to my long-time rival was because, well… well….It’s really hard to write this. 🙁 …..

I also read this in “A Fighter’s Heart,” that sports psychology book by Sam Sheridan. Fighters need reasons, need excuses, so they can pull themselves back together and keep going. If we think, “I suck and I fail” then that’s the end of us. If they think, “Well, I didn’t feel so good, so I’ll try again next time,” or “If I improve my striking/grappling whatever, next time I can do it” or “Well I was hurt, so that’s why” or whatever, then they can move on.
(pic by Keiji Koizumi)

I accept all responsibility for my loss and taking the fight. I thought I did the best I could. My knee was hurting me before I taped it up, but during the actual fight it was OKAY at the moment. I regret not pushing it harder. I had vowed that even if I had to be carried out of the ring, I would push it. So why didn’t I push it and why wasn’t I carried out of the ring? Some weakness in my heart? Deep in my heart I thought that maybe if I could have prepared better, I might have won. But you know, fighters have fought injured. They’ve overcome. *I* was supposed to be the one who overcame.

But she beat me with a freaking broken finger.
Kudos to her. She’s really tough.

But where does that leave me……

ALL FIGHTERS fight injured. You guys have no idea. People ask me all the time if I get injured in fights. In fights? HAH, never. I ALWAYS get hurt in training, at least once a month. I pray every day that it’s nothing serious. People don’t talk about it. I talk about everything. Maybe that’s bad, as a professional…. How would that make HER Feel? How do I appear to the fans? And my fellow- fighters?

Last night I cried the tears I hadn’t cried right after my fight.
And I thought and thought and thought so hard that I couldn’t fall asleep for another two hours.

Where does that leave me. Where does that leave me.

I spoke out-loud to myself and told myself. “That leaves me with SMART goals written on post-it notes stuck to my microwave. That leaves me with challenges yet to over come.”

I work at my job in order to survive. I do MMA in order to live.
And I’m still alive. Let’s see how far I can push myself. I’m 29 years old. I’m not done yet.…