I met my goals but lost the fight

quote of the night:
Matt (co-worker, drunk at that moment): “You might wanna start practicin’ with thugs.”


Takayo Hashi is a fantastic fighter. It was an honor to fight her, and I’m grateful to Jewels for putting the fight together. When I’m at 100%, we both tended to stalemate in sparring sessions in practice, when we used to train together.

That’s why I’m especially disappointed that I lost against her, and I’m upset at the circumstances surrounding this fight.

Well, I’m not sure how to begin….
My previous knee injury was weighing very heavily on me. I’d already accepted the fight….I wanted to show that I could fight through it and win anyway. The pressure crushed me like a ton of bricks all throughout February. Who knew if I’d ever get a chance to fight her again? I’d backed out of the fight against Akano on New Years Eve due to sickness for this same match-maker. Abe-san said, “Do what you are capable of doing with all your strength.” No guts, no glory. I was determined to win anyway. I’m always hurt anyway.

As the Pocahontas musical lyrics go, “To be safe we lose our chance at ever knowing what’s around the river bend, waiting just around the river bend!”

I read the sports/mma psychology book “A Fighter’s Mind” by Sam Sheridan and it helped, but it was mental end emotional torture. I didn’t want to lose to her, more than anything. I ended up going into the office and doing extra work on my days off because I didn’t want to be alone. 😡

I swam like a crazy woman whenever I could make it to the public gym- four times a week. Gosh I hate swimming now.

I lifted about 4 times a week, and did push ups and stuff in my apartment every morning, too. But I think through dieting near the end, I actually lost some of the hard-earned muscle I’d gained. AGAIN. I’m so mad at myself. ~_~; I weighed in UNDER.

Ayaka gave me some elastic tape yesterday and I wrapped it up…it felt great!! My knee didn’t hurt too much during the fight. I’m NOT saying “Oh I lost because of my knee.” That doesn’t sound too nice. She deserved her win last night. It’s no excuse because at the end of the day, I accepted the fight so I’m responsible for it.
I KNOW I could have won. But it wasn’t my night. I tried hard not to go to the ground, but when Hashi got me there, she dominated me all over the place on the ground. She’s really good on the ground. She earned her win. I should have done better. I should learn more reversals. I need to get physically stronger.

So she won the decision. I couldn’t implement my ground game on her. She was the better woman last night. She trained hard for it. We both suffered for it in our own ways.

Now. I had goals. And amazingly enough, winning was third down on my list.
I’ve had fights were I wasn’t satisfied with my performance. When my fights start, I seem to lose my ability to do sideways movements, like side-stepping or hooks. I get tense and just do one-two and rush straight in. That’s not how a pro-fighter should fight. It’s sloppy and wouldn’t make me the first woman to fight in the UFC.

And I wanted the voice in my head to SHUT UP. I used to have a silent mind, but during my last few fights, my own voice pipped in and started narrating. Like, “Oh she got you! Don’t let her do that!” or “You’re losing!” or “Time’s almost up!” or “What are you doing? Come on you can do it!” Even though I try to encourage myself, the voice is still audible and distracting. Maybe Barb Honchack remembers I was screaming “You can do it!” audabily to myself during our fight, probably in her ear while she was clinching me. lol

Before the fight, I was able to quiet the voice!! It took so much effort. People say, “You should meditate” but you can control your mind whether you’re sitting down with your eyes closed, or standing on a train staring out the window.

I controlled my mind, for 99% of the fight. It was very quiet. I was zen. And I COULD SEE the distance! (well, more or less. I can’t see too well without my glasses) I was able to throw hooks! HOOKS! and move, and I didn’t tighten up. I did some moves I learned in practice! And I DIDN’T TAP to that choke. It was sunk in really deeply and I couldn’t breathe, but there was only 15 seconds left. I decided that I’d rather go unconcious than tap out, but when the ref said “Give up?” I tried to say, “No,” but no air would come out. lol so I waved my hand. lol Then the bell rang. Yay.

Hashi was physically stronger. AGAIN I’M LOSING ON STRENGTH. AAARG I’m TIRED OF LOSING BECAUSE OF FREAKING STRENGTH. I HATE physical training, it’s so boring, especially since I’m usually doing it alone. Apparently the strength training I did since October wasn’t enough, and I lose some strength through dieting AGAIN.

*sigh* What’s the point of it all? MMA isn’t fair. Just because you train hard, doesn’t mean you’ll win. Just because you win, doesn’t mean you’ll have a good performance. If you train your ass off, you get hurt and then can’t perform during the fight when you need to. I feel like I can’t reach the elite level of athleticism I need to. I’m off the top ten list. What the hell is the point of me doing all this unpleasant strength training and stuff, TRYING to be a pro fighter? I feel like I’m treated like this is all a ‘hobby.’

I’ve lost five in a row.

I feel something is broken.

*sigh* So what do you do if something is broken?

🙂 You fix it. So, looks like I have only ten more months to become a champion. *laugh*

I walked out the ring totally dazed…..I lost….but I did it! I didn’t know how to feel. I recognize my achievements, my failures. I wish …well, no good wishing for things I can’t have. I’m staying in Japan, I don’t know what team to join- there’s no ideal ONE team-, I don’t have a full-time coach. There’s no such thing as an easy fight. That’s why it’s called a ‘fight’ and not a piece of cake. Which I am totally going to have after lunch today.

Max: Let’s down some CALORIES and BULK UP!

Well, both knees hurt now, so looks like I’ll be doing major upper-body weight lifting starting, oh, today maybe. No time like the present. I only have ten months to become champion.
My co-workers took me out for dinner after the fight. This, my friends, is an okonomiyaki-style pizza at Amataro.

I’m still searching for the right answer. But this won’t be the last time I fight. Because I had this breakthrough- one step closer to becoming the pro fighter I want to be. If I hadn’t…I dunno. But I just want to get stronger. I accomplished my goal that I’d posted earlier on twitter: I met my challenges head on with my eyes looking forward and my head high, and struggled with all the strength my body would allow me.
I was absolutely terrified. But I did it anyway.
“Always do what you are afraid to do.”

It really meant the WORLD to me that my co-workers and friends came to my fight. Actually, surprisingly, I couldn’t really hear Megumi and Ayaka in my corner too well…but I could hear my American colleagues hollering from the stands, “ROXY ROXY GOOO ROXY!” lol Yay loud Americans!…