As a personal rule, I try to never talk about “What I’ll do after I retire from fighting.” I feel like if I start thinking about afterwards, I lose focus on the “now.” I have so much more in me that I can do. I’m still improving, my body is holding together, I’m getting stronger and more skilled, I found the best coaches in the world for me (and I can say that cuz I traveled the world)….
When people ask me, I give some vague response and kind of change the topic. Really, now, a life of a fighter can change suddenly and drastically with every fight. You win a fight, you get noticed by the right people, bam, you’re in the big show. Or you get a bonus and suddenly have a lot of money. Or you get noticed by a producer and get a movie deal. Or get a title shot. Etc. so really, who can make plans?
I just had to change my Christmas plans…I booked a two week vacation to see both my parents and extended family, reserved a rental car, etc. But I then heard about Invicta being January 13th, and if I get on the card, WHICH I REALLY WANT, I can’t take two weeks off. But I don’t have an official offer yet…but I have to plan just in case. so I spent money to rebook the tickets for a shorter visit, and had a fight with my mom about visiting and I won’t get to see her this time, etc etc. I want to fight ASAP! But I can’t use this against Invicta if they don’t let me because that’s just the life of a fighter. We don’t get to choose when we fight, but we have to be ready if the offer comes. I made the choice to be a fighter and live this life, so it’s “shouganai,” or “it can’t be helped,” in Japanese.
So that was stressful last week. Come to think of it, maybe having the conflict with my mom really brought me down. Then not knowing if I was doing the jiujitsu tournament but I still had to diet. And my nose got cracked so I couldn’t do kickboxing for like three and a half weeks. And Coach John wasn’t here all of last week. I pretty much did Captain’s classes, which were amazing and he’s so inspiring, lifted weights, and went home….. until I pulled my bicep muscles trying to go up the ropes too many times because Captain said to do ten times, and if he said so, I WANTED TO DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
And every time I look at my purple belt, I get upset.
I want to improve so badly and improve my level so badly before my freaking belt falls apart, but the middle is shredding and every day I’m trimming pieces of thread off it….am I going to have to get a new one? I would die of embarrassment…. I’d almost not wear a belt at all. Should I take a needle and thread and try and stop it from shredding? GRRRRRRRRR I CAN’T STAND IT!!!! I want to get better!! I know I’m getting better. Rick told me. Captain told me. But I need to go to tournaments and beat up all the purple belts in my division to prove it. I’ve been using lots of moves Captain had been teaching me. I’ve been going to his class literally every day. I would go to the evening gi classes, too, but I’m like…
Freaking 34 years old, I just don’t recover fast enough if I do class in the evening, and I’m still in pain from morning practice. I can go hard in the morning and light in the evening and recover enough for another hard morning. I think I’m doing pretty well fitting in cardio, class, weights, and then I gotta teach kids and sometimes I get a few rolls in with the other instructors or big kids. I want to train ALL THE TIME EVERY DAY.
haha when I first quit my job 3 years ago to focus on MMA 100%, I wondered and worried, “If I’m not being forced by a boss and job, will I actually be able to make myself go to the gym every day if ‘i don’t have to?” The answer is, yes, I can barely make myself rest when I’m sick or I need a day off. Days off are for when the gym is physically closed or I’m sick or injured.
Every day I’m not doing some training is time lost that I could be improving and surpassing my former self. Tom and John said that today in a little post-training speech, but I’ve always always felt that way.
For like the past 4 days until yesterday I didn’t feel like going to the gym and it weirded me the hell out. I ALWAYS want to train, even when I’m depressed or bummed or sick or hormonal or whatever. I was like, “Am I sick? Am I dying? Am I finally insane? WTF is wrong with me!” But I autopiloted to jiu-jitsu because jiujitsu is life. And I KNOW I learn at least one, usually 5, useful things every time I go to class. No lie. But yesterday I almost cried on the mat literally 10 times. I almost told Captain to stop watching me spar because I felt so crappy and was having a super bad performance in the sparring match and I didn’t want him to see. 🙁 Captain put his arm around me and told me to take it easy and don’t worry and just keep training. <3 I just kept repeating to myself, "I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. No emotion." And it really really helped. A lot. Just don't feel. Feelings get in the way during training. There is no need for emotions in most circumstances. At least for me. If they are there, they must be controlled and siphoned carefully.
I knew that nobody was in my division because it wasn't listed on the website. My students are competing and I'm SO EXCITED and happy for them! I can't wait to coach them. But yeah....I didn't get a confirmation that nobody registered last minute but I decided about the BJJ tournament...
But before that, though, jet-lagged John walked into the gym and I basically glomped him.
v, to glomp
it is the action of one person lovingly (and dramatically) attacking another with a hug. not sexual.
A glomp is often preadatory and lies somewhere in the grey area between a caring embrace, and a flying leap to tackle someone.
See, ya learn something new every day.
I woke up the day after (today) feeling more like myself, charged, and ready to train! I had a great jiujitsu class and kickboxing sparring!
It was a really rough week but I came out of it with a load of jiujitsu technique that I’ve learned, and a few other accomplishments. Man, I’ve been using my butterfly hooks and pieces of Xguard and sweeps like crazy!
and I realized that other than jiujitsu and MMA, the thing that makes my heart sing the most is teaching kids. Now I’m not so fond of HUGE classes with little 4 year olds running around not listening to me when I’m trying to teach BJJ, but I believe children are our innocent angels not corrupted by society (yet) and we need to raise the next generation to run the world well! I go out of my mind when I feel there’s a bad influence on a kid and I’m insanely grateful and thrilled I get to run the little kids program now. Seriously, I feel like teaching kids to be good people, and inspiring them to do GOOD things and grow is the best thing a person can do other than like a doctor saving lives.
WHY DO I KEEP PICKING JOBS THAT WILL NOT MAKE ME RICH?! But I don’t want to be rich just to have money…. I want to buy plane tickets to visit my family on the east coast, and visit Japan. That’s really all I want….lots of plane tickets. I especially miss my dad because we can’t talk so much since he’s so busy and not really a phone-talker. But now I’m really missing my mom because we don’t talk as much as we used to. I’m so fortunate we got to spend so much time together living together in Nevada for a few years! Thanks, Mom…. you’ve always given me the world. I don’t need a big house or expensive car and Walmart has perfectly good clothes. Goodwill is like recycling and saving the planet, so yay. I just want money for plane tickets. lol And restaurants….
So yeah. I’ll probably join the horrible Nevada public school system after I fight and make crap money and be one of the happiest, most full-fullfilled people ever. LOL Hopefully I make it bigger by the time I’m done! And I don’t see an end in site yet…. so people can STOP ASKING ME. THERE. YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER.
But if anyone has other ideas that will earn me more money, I am all ears. But not now. I am still training my butt off as hard as I can. I have no time to waste! And I really really hope I fight soon! No time to waste!!