doctors, analysis, post-fight thoughts

I’d first gone to the Special Knee/joint Hospital recommended to me by a fellow fighter back in January to get an MRI. I made sure I went during the time a different doctor was working, to get a second opinion.

This time, the conversation went something like this (in Japanese, of course).

“So…” he spoke to me as he scanned my profile card. “Let’s see, the last time you were here, you said your interior ligament was hurting, your MCL, right?”
“Right,” I said.
“And that the doctor told you there was nothing wrong with it, right? And that your meniscus blah blah. You do MMA? Wow, women do that, too, huh?”
“Wait, what about my meniscus?” I almost shouted.
“Oh, it blah blah blah.”
“Sorry, I don’t understand that word.”
“Not ripped, not torn, but blah blah. Not too bad, see look. The last doctor told you.”

He pointed at a white spot on the screen that displayed the MRI I took before. It showed a white sliver in my meniscus, the cartilage between the knee joint.
“Um, excuse me, but I totally don’t remember him saying that!! He said absolutely nothing was wrong, and I should go train on it!!” I practically screamed. “So I fought on it, but afterwards it REALLY started hurting a lot again.”
“Oh, well it’s almost nothing so maybe he didn’t say, but it’s written right here in the card.”

To say I was angry does not even come close to describing my emotion. I have a really bad memory, but I totally don’t remember the other dude saying anything about my meniscus. Did he say it and I didn’t catch it? Did I not understand his Japanese? Did he just deem it not important enough to mention?

He twisted my knee this way and that, and based on my cries of pain or lack there of determined that there WAS still nothing majorly wrong with my ligament, but the place where the muscle/ligament end joined the bone was damaged or inflamed or something. He told me to take pain killer but there was nothing else to do but let it heal.

I’m not sure what kind of miscommunication I had going on, but I gravely miscalculated. I wish I had done things differently. I’m not blaming the doctor 100% for my circumstances- we have to take responsibility for our own decisions and actions.

Well, knee or no knee, I was over-powered in my fight. Again. And for someone like Hashi, who is REALLY skilled AND strong, well, I lost. And Barb. And Rosi. And everyone I’m fighting nowadays.

Why am I doing this again?
I’m here in Japan, the former center of “Mixed Martial arts,” having moved away to just as the USA figured out this “Mixed Martial Science.” I have no coach, I’m freelance and hopping around from dojo to dojo, trying to train all aspects of my game like a ‘professional’ should. The only person who’s really ‘on my case’ when I need someone to be is living in California. I’m certainly not making any money from this. I’m getting WEAKER over the years rather than stronger, what the hell is up with THAT. I feel like I dropped my power when I dropped a weight-class. It’s not ‘fun’ to bust my ass and get beaten down because my jiu-jitsu has stopped being effective because everybody knows how to defend my favorite stuff that used to work?

So….what is the POINT? I’m not the fighter I want to be.

But I realized something, through this fight. Why am I fighting?
I’m fighting to become stronger- mentally, spiritually, physically. And also to confirm my skill and technique abilities.

(from sportsnavi)

If I’m not getting stronger or more improved, there’s really no point in me competing. I used to think, “Oh boy, a fight, so exciting! I wanna!” But seriously, I just embarrassed myself five times in a row with losses. I’m done with that. I’ve started seriously weight training for the first time in my life to regain some of my lost strength in October. I thought I regained it…maybe I lost it again through dieting? But I’m going to wait until I’m confident in my strength before I fight again.

I have become a stronger person through this fight. I experienced clarity of mind during the fight, and I could move how I wanted to. I also pushed myself to do something that I was terrified to do. Man, what if I get hit by a car and can’t walk again for the rest of my life? At least I went for it. No Guts, no Glory.

So the bottom line is…it’s time to train, to do everything in my power to get stronger. I can’t lose confidence in myself- I fought for Strikeforce for a reason, and I have to remember that I have ability. I have to prepare properly for a fight, and it doesn’t happen over night. Unless you take steroids. lol I don’t THINK SO!! 😀 I’ve been surpassed and I don’t LIKE IT, so I’m going to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

I just hope the fans don’t forget about me and still want to see me fight someday…. …