watching my TUF fight

This episode of TUF was bittersweet for me. I really enjoyed what they showed of the house and our antics, such as me making Plato, and the nerf gun. It was cool hearing what other people said about me. Anthony’s comments were so funny, skillfully spliced in with footage of me being just as he said.

However, I was less than satisfied with my own performance. I was a little gassed coming into the second round, with muscle failure in my legs. In training in the TUF house, I wasn’t able to do my normal cardio routine of running stairs. There were no stairs. I can’t run on the treadmill because of a back injury. I just didn’t have another alternate cardio routine, but I should have figured one out. I guess it’s my fault….?

I started looking sloppy in the fight, and I’m really disappointed in that. I want to show just as solid and crisp technique as any other UFC fighter. At least I kept fighting until I literally couldn’t stand anymore. I’m grateful for the ref for giving me every chance to continue to fight.

Thanks to all of you for being supportive of me and nice. Some people say that I’m too nice and past my prime and I should quit. Well, I’m not ready to quit yet. I just joined a new team, and I’m determined to get back into the cage at a higher level than I was before.

I’ve been super bummed out all week, but of course I couldn’t let on. It started last week with me hearing my own scream on TV on the previews for the UFC. I hadn’t even remembered that had happened, and I heard it and was like “sh*t, that’s my voice!”
It kept occupying my mind during training, but I did a decent job ignoring it and training hard. The loss is still fresh, and even worse after I rewatched it. I kept getting painful flashbacks of my fight during training, that I lost my cool a bunch of times, and had to hide in the bathroom for a while to compose myself. I have to keep reminding myself, “The more I gas in practice, the less I’ll gas in the fight. The more it hurts now, the more I’ll grow.”

I felt embarrassed I cried so much in front of Jessica, as I mentioned here.
link to post-episode blog I wanted to do it LATER. And I didn’t mean to push Miesha away when she was trying to help me walk. I meant to say “let me walk” but it came out “let me be.” Sorry, that came out wrong.

Well, I can’t talk about the future yet. The future hasn’t been set yet! But I still have to train hard. I’m so grateful to my new team, coach, and friends here in Vegas.

It’s September 26th. I move to my new, permanent apartment on October 1st!

This morning I feel like I’m going to break in half, so I’m going to take the day off. Which is weird, since I don’t have a job to refocus on… I miss teaching. :/…