I am aware that there are two different layers of voices in my head – my conscious voice and my unconscious voice. I’m good at controlling my conscious voice and making her say positive things, such as, “You’re strong. You’re ready to fight! You have been training hard for so long!” The unconscious voice often whispers things that we can’t always identify, but it makes me feel certain ways. Earlier this week, I realized that I was feeling anxious about my upcoming fight, more than usual. Something felt off and I wasn’t sure what it was. I guessed it was something my dang unconscious was whispering but I couldn’t quite make it out.
Every time I lose a fight, I try and make some kind of change so the same negative results won’t be repeated. “Only the insane repeat the same thing and hope for a different result.” So despite me telling myself positive things…I always tell myself positive things. I realized I was worrying…. I mean, this was BARB Honchak, the person who choked me out seven years ago. I had been wanting to rematch her for SO long! For longer than some people’s MMA careers! If I had a child when my mom had me, it would be seven years old. So…my desire for a rematch is as old as a small child. hahaha
It was my DREAM for YEARS, to someday fight in the UFC and, hey, wouldn’t it be SO cool if we fought each other in the UFC? Hahaha that would never happen. Then OMG TUF 26 happened and we were both on it. WHAT IF WE FOUGHT? So now it’s actually happening. whoa…. what if I choked? She could absolutely knock me out, or submit me or ground and pound me out. She’s ripped and so skilled. She was the former Invicta champion.
So that’s what my unconscious voice was whispering to me. Then I started freaking out….I feel good but what if my HEAD isn’t right for this fight? They say the mental game is important. What if I’m not thinking what I’m supposed to think? What if I’m psyched out and then lose because I’m psyched out? Am I psyched out?! I never get psyched out. I started freaking out as to whether I was freaking out or not. hahaha I couldn’t tell because it’s never happened to me before. I’ve never wanted to fight somebody for 7 years before.
So Coach John had a ten minute conversation with me that totally straightened me out. He really is the master. He reminded myself that I had to not only have confidence in myself, but have pride in my efforts. I really have been training non-stop, SO hard, on specific things to improve ever since Dec when I fought Nicco.
It’s funny he said the word “pride” because the first thing I thought of was Vegeta, who always is very proud.
But he is strong because he trains his BUTT off.
John said that having pride in myself is different than being prideful, arrogant, or narcissistic. I have to KNOW that I’m stronger, KNOW that I’ve improved, KNOW that I have the skills, because of all the effort I’ve put into it.
I do SO many other things on top of normal MMA classes. I’m not even going to list them all here.
I’ve done so much. I’m tired every day. I fall asleep at 9 PM every night.
So then I knew. Barb went from this big, looming shadow over me, to a woman, a fellow fighter who had skills comparable to me, who I could beat. I told myself consciously all day long that I could won, but suddenly, two days before my fight, I believed it. I really believed it. I believed it in my heart. I was going to hit her hard, tackle her to the ground, get on top, and ground and pound. I wanted to do it – so much – and I believed I could do it.
John was pretty busy with two other fighters fighting that weekend, Mike Chiesa and Francis Ngannou, but he was always there when I really needed him. It was great of Mike to come with me to get my gear and sign posters during fight week, and also checking up on me.
Casey also. I’m so grateful to have them as trainers. I felt so strong with them behind me.
My Invicta Roxy Posse came! Rob and Sheryl, Candy and Luz, Katie, and Justin! It was great seeing them again! <3
Fuzzy’s Post-weigh in dinner
We spotted each other in the hall and started fan-girl/fan-boying out at the exact same time over each other. hahaha
He was like “ROXY!” I was like “BRAD! OMG!” Him: “Can I…” Me: “….HAVE A PICTURE?!” XD
So….I got permission to wear a “blond wig” at ceremonial weigh ins. 😀 It was spiky and I wanted it to look like Goku’s hair from Dragon Ball Z. After I took off my shirt, I yelled to “power up and go Super Saiyan” and then faced off against Barb. IT WENT SO FLAWLESSLY!!!
I looked so cool. At least, I thought so, AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS because my mama taught me to like myself and not care what other people think, so there. This way of thinking is how nerds and dorky people get through middle school. XD
For my official weigh-in earlier, I did a Naruto ninja hand sign. 🙂 Apparently Israel Adesanya did a whole series very skillfully…I respect that! I saw a video and he looked bad-@$$! I didn’t know he was a Naruto fan! so was Luis and Alex C. We had a cool convo in the room before weighins.
Here are some fight pictures.
I’m trying to make the smile and thumbs up my trademark pose.
Inspired by All Might. He is a super hero who tries to be everyone’s pillar of peace and justice, and smiling reassures people.
Anyway, I’m so so relieved I won. She hit me a bunch of times, mostly in the beginning of the first round. I wanted to try and take her down SO badly, and I was able to. When she went in and clinched up with me, I was like, “Ooooo! I’VE BEEN WAITING YEARS FOR THIS MOMENT!” and I didn’t choke. Everyone said I did some mid-air reversal hip-throw magical flip thingie. I have no memory. I just remember digging for the underhooks, feeling her weight, lifting my leg, and doing something Judo-esk. It’s funny, I’ve been training wrestling SO much, but Judo always comes out in my fights always, because I have a good sense of where people’s balance is. I think she tried to outside-foot trip me, but I ….spun around and stepped backwards. I thought I uchi-mata-ed her, but let’s examine:
Anyway, I no longer have to be stressed about being cut from the UFC for being on a losing streak. I can actually think about my next fight and my future! I can finally get paid enough to put money away for the future! 😀 Last night I bought two pairs of dress shoes to replace the two that broke, a battery pack to replace one that broke, and two anime t shirts I don’t need. There ends my fight-money shopping spree. XD My desire as a martial artist to do in live combat what I practiced in training has been fulfilled! I used my physical strength, as well! And my teachings from my awesome teachers! Thank you John, Mike, Casey, Lorenzo, and others who have helped me along the way! Shout out to some other teachers and training partners who have helped build me into the fighter I am today: Captain, Rene, Evan Dunham and gang, and Rich, Chelsea, Serena, and JoJo! Thank you! I am grateful to you!
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