“When will I be strong again?”

The voice is always there. Every morning, every afternoon, every evening, it talks to me. Even when I’m smiling at you, inside I’m ignoring it. Most people can never understand the various obsessions that fighters deal with.

Today. Full day at work. Four kids classes. x_X Afterward, what should I do?
When will I be strong again?
I could go to ZST…it’d be nice to see the ZST guys again. I’ll go.

Got off at Oimachi station.
But stopped.
When will I be strong again?
They’ll say, “How’s your fighting going?” and I’d say….

I can’t.

I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to show my face there, after having lost again. I swore to Kojima-san and Ota-san after they cornered me for Akano that I’d work hard and win my next fight. How could I tell them I lost? I can’t go back until I win.

I got back on the train. Went to Gold’s Gym Omori. And trained physical conditioning stuff. I trained and trained. And I trained and trained. A while later, it was 7. I thought, I don’t feel like kickboxing. I want to train more. But what could I train? I already did that muscle group…I already did that…I already did this one…I did that one on Thursday, so and that one on Thursday, and that’s feeling tight so I shouldn’t overdo it, or it’s pointless. But I need to train more….but I have to recover, or it’s all for nothing.

All for nothing.

I went upstairs. Stretched. Ben was teaching. I realized that I decided I didn’t even feel like grappling, or fighting at all. I left. He probably thinks I’m avoiding him, but I’m not, I swear.

I had some of the chocolates Michele gave me for Halloween. They were yummy. Thank you. But I noticed that I gained some weight and it’s not muscle.

oh what the hell ever.